Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
