you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i believe in u and ur pee
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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