theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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