What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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