i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
