She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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