um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
