Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
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