I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
