Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she told me i tasted like america
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Randomize
