Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Sober January is a disaster.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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