if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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