You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
