we have officially lost it.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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