there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
