I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Rumble strips road head = magical
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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