i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
