Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
