mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
