I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
