i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
