Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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