And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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