My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
