I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
this boner is exhausting
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Randomize
