You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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