I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
