I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
