Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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