dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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