I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
