I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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