Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
