At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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