Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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