How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
