My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
