My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
