Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
