there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
