dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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