Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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