he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
