She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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