When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
