she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
