so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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