He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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