I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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