If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
