I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
